Polyamory and Further Packing

So it was a rather lovely Sunday. Headed out to the Occult Bookstore on Milwaukee ala a Blue Line that had exactly one track running. What is about soggy days that makes the CTA think that crippling a critical public transit artery is a good idea?

Anyway, the discussion was facilitated by the ESC (Earth Spiritualists of Chicago) on Polyamory. Some of you may remember a similar discussion in Chicago with special guests Oberon and Morning Glory Zell on the subject, but as much as I love Oberon Zell, he tends to sugarcoat the entire idea structure of polyamory. He speaks of smooth transitions, flowing relationships, and how none of the women he’s ever engaged in this way were ever mad at him or bitter or anything. Maybe not to your face...

With that thought, a word on the negative connotations of this word. Polyamory: This is not a cheap excuse to cheat. This is not a ‘free love, no responsibilities’ situation. Hells no. This is about balanced, honest, healthy relationships between more than 2 people. It can happen, it can work, and it doesn’t have to end in bigamy or nightly orgies or other such things. Well, the orgies, MAYBE, but only in private, safe circumstances involving consenting adults. But I digress…

That is not to say that the sordid reputation of the poly community as well as the censure therein is not wholly unearned. Unfortunately, like any group of people, there have been instances where stupid people doing stupid things got noticed, and the entire group got slandered for their actions, regardless of involvement. These people are remarkably fewer than one would be led to think, but their philosophies of irresponsible behavior are trumpeted by those who disagree with the concept as a whole and cast the rest of us in a bad light. Let me explain.

One of the greatest misconceptions is that polyamory is an easy, ‘no frills’ way to sleep with whomever you so choose without losing the stability of your everyday partner. Thought process: you get the normal everyday meal package but still get to go out for a snack whenever you want. Cut this thought from your heart. (Catherine Valente, “In The Cities of Coin and Spice”) Polyamory, to me, is about WORK. HARD word, honesty, trust, and sound judgment on the part of everyone involved, just like any monogamous relationship, with one big twist: boundaries need to be established, agreed upon, comfortable, and maintained. These relationships are in a lot of ways much harder to keep healthy than monogamous relationships because of how much goes into them.

Now, the opener for the discussion was “Why Polyamory?” It’s a good question. I’ve always felt, as you may have surmised, that it is practically impossible to find everything you are looking for in balanced, healthy companionship in a single person. I’ve tried it, repeatedly, and it just doesn’t function. Monogamy works for some people, and to them I say, “You found a good one. Fantastic for you! KEEP HIM/HER!” For me, it just doesn’t work that way. I believe whole-heartedly that you can have a stable, healthy relationship involving more than one partner and be fulfilled as a person while still fulfilling the emotional, spiritual, and physical needs of those partners.

The big thing for me, as it usually is, is balance. Finding someone to share a relationship with not only me, but with any other partner(s) that may be involved. Understanding needs to be had from the offset on what’s going on, what expectations are in the relationship, and to me, being able to have these people in the same room without it being heinously awkward is a serious thing for me. I WANT to be able to openly communicate with each partner, and be able to say the name of the other without getting daggers or drama queen sighs. Trust has always been the most important thing in a relationship to me, sex or no sex. Being able to be open and honest and not be judged, but also knowing that I am receiving that same respect in being forthcoming. Even if my partner and I are free to see who we choose on the side, I would still want mutual check-ins on how things are going. Not necessarily for approval, but for healthy updates and understanding. If I see that someone is not good for the person I am with, I am going to speak up, and I would expect that same respect and honesty in return.

Definitions, I’ve found, within the Poly community seem so crucial to establishing these much needed boundaries. I don’t use them, personally. I seek ideas and understanding, but words are not necessary to define and ‘box in’ those ideas. This lends itself in my head to my own pagan ideology, and the concept that words have power. These words in particular, at least for me, bring a kind of closed-minded compartmentalization to the relationship between two people in this context. Words like ‘Primary partner’ and ‘secondary partner’ bring to mind a hierarchy structure that can be both useful and destructive.

Many participants in the discussion shared my views along with others during the course of the afternoon, which allowed me to sit back and take in other thought processes. So refreshing. The open dialogue also helped me to truly concretize my own perspective. And the group therapy feel was only prevalent for a few minutes as a couple who were newly exploring this avenue joined us late, bringing with them their ongoing story of explorative newness.

Afterward, I hitched a ride home with one of the great minds of my acquaintance and packed some more. Packing the altars was a trip, but what’s funny is that the energy in the room has remained pretty constant with a pregnant pause about it, as if awaiting the new surroundings. It’s going to be quite interesting to get these things set up in the new place.

Kitchen and bathroom now being primarily taken care of, it’s down to the awkward time of ‘most of my life is packed and I’m living on the minimum.’ Fun. But it’s ok. My biggest concern is getting those two walls painted Friday morning. Home Depot, here I come!