So I ‘m an idiot. Try to contain your shock. I blew off dinner with people I actually wanted to see (by blew off I mean I totally forgot about it) to have dinner and a movie with a quasi-ex I hated seen in a while. No, not THAT one, but close enough that it was quite awkward. Both of us not meeting the others eyes much, talking was stilted until we managed a neutral topic, neither of us bringing up the past. We always crossed that bridge at dinner, but thankfully not. I don’t’ think either of us wants to dredge that back up. And so to a movie we both loved to hate, and then a parting of ways where both of us were politely running. He did it to get out of the house, I did it to test the waters. They are toxic, though not hopeless. But no swimming or fishing here, ladies and gents. Not ever again.
The full moon jam was incredible. I wasn’t expecting half that many people to be there, but it was beautiful and moving and powerful and I got to see so many faces I hadn’t seen in a while, and few faces I didn’t associate with the Jam.
I love this community so much. It works so hard not to take itself too seriously and yet be open to the moment, and to every face within it. So many beautiful people, so much love of life. As I walked through and met up with one person after another, I realized something truly humbling.
I don’t have to be afraid anymore. I’ve never been good at making connections with people. I try too hard, wanting so much to share in the joys of life that I put people right off, making them uncomfortable. It was my existence for so long I didn’t think anything of it, so I never noticed when ti changed. It changed without my knowledge or say-so, and yet here I stand, in the glorious wake of it, wondering at this sudden embarrassment of riches. I never saw before the connection that were forged with people, and yet as I walk through the night, lit only by fire dancers, to the heartbeat of drummers, I realized that I have a community that cares for me as much as I care for it. I was sought out by face sint he crowd, held warm in their arms and hearts by their will alone. I never knew, but I do now. And I am honor bound to do right by them, and serve in the best way I know how.
By song and story I shall go, by brush and by note I shall show. I’ve always had so much to give, and now I have a place and people to share it with. I am humbled that I am so welcomed, and I open my own heart to them with everything I am. A perfect way to end a full moon.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Sunday, April 5, 2009
RENT!
Oh my gods and goddesses alike, there are no words. But since I am both verbose and waxing poetic, I’m going to anyway. No day but today, right? Wow, cheesy. Anyway…
It’s been a LONG time since I’ve seen live theater, so my expectations were honestly non-existent. I walked in only knowing the music by heart and the story through and trough, but not really knowing what my eyes were going to be seeing. Dizzy. Dazzling. And my ears were trying to overlay the music I knew to the show before me. Dreams lie so hard. What was before me was more than music and light and movement and message. It was soul. Pure, unadulterated soul. It still takes my breath away to think about it.
One room became a city populated by more people than I really want to think about. And within it, a family. A series of people connected, by choice and by chance, but connected none the less. It reminded me of something I’d set aside. Not forgotten necessarily, but definite put aside or buried or whatever. The whatever is the problem, but I’ll get to that.
Family. Friends. How they become intertwined. Intermingled, essential to one another. A family of choice becomes extended, fractured, sprained/strained, healed but by the grace of Will with a capital, “Look, man, I love you even when you’re a cunt. I love you even THOUGH you’re a cunt.”
Yet sometimes, the cancer must be cut away, for chemo hurts as much as it heals, which SUCKS….
But in the end, it is said, ‘you can’t choose your family.’ Fuck that. I got mine: George, Theo, Shivian, Frank, John, MeganRose, Tessa, Lisa, Kir, Treesha, Katie, Julie, Sherrie, Sarah, Lois, Karen, Chris, Taylor, Thistle, Chaldean, Little Buddaha, Emily, Preston … I could go on without even leaving Chicagoland. Love cannot be tamed, cannot be denied. And gods (pick one, hell pick several) damn it, I’m not trying anymore.
It took the end to show me why the beginning began. It’s not as it once was and truly never could be again, but it is not quite as fractured as I had once thought. Sprained, strained, but healable. Given time. Patience is not my best virtue, I recognize that, but at least I know it can heal even these wounds, if I back the fuck off and let it happen. I will not say the “O” word, but whatever. A healthy shift in view, slapped in the face of yours truly once again, in time for spring. If it ever stops FUCKING SNOWING….
It’s been a LONG time since I’ve seen live theater, so my expectations were honestly non-existent. I walked in only knowing the music by heart and the story through and trough, but not really knowing what my eyes were going to be seeing. Dizzy. Dazzling. And my ears were trying to overlay the music I knew to the show before me. Dreams lie so hard. What was before me was more than music and light and movement and message. It was soul. Pure, unadulterated soul. It still takes my breath away to think about it.
One room became a city populated by more people than I really want to think about. And within it, a family. A series of people connected, by choice and by chance, but connected none the less. It reminded me of something I’d set aside. Not forgotten necessarily, but definite put aside or buried or whatever. The whatever is the problem, but I’ll get to that.
Family. Friends. How they become intertwined. Intermingled, essential to one another. A family of choice becomes extended, fractured, sprained/strained, healed but by the grace of Will with a capital, “Look, man, I love you even when you’re a cunt. I love you even THOUGH you’re a cunt.”
Yet sometimes, the cancer must be cut away, for chemo hurts as much as it heals, which SUCKS….
But in the end, it is said, ‘you can’t choose your family.’ Fuck that. I got mine: George, Theo, Shivian, Frank, John, MeganRose, Tessa, Lisa, Kir, Treesha, Katie, Julie, Sherrie, Sarah, Lois, Karen, Chris, Taylor, Thistle, Chaldean, Little Buddaha, Emily, Preston … I could go on without even leaving Chicagoland. Love cannot be tamed, cannot be denied. And gods (pick one, hell pick several) damn it, I’m not trying anymore.
It took the end to show me why the beginning began. It’s not as it once was and truly never could be again, but it is not quite as fractured as I had once thought. Sprained, strained, but healable. Given time. Patience is not my best virtue, I recognize that, but at least I know it can heal even these wounds, if I back the fuck off and let it happen. I will not say the “O” word, but whatever. A healthy shift in view, slapped in the face of yours truly once again, in time for spring. If it ever stops FUCKING SNOWING….
Int’l Free Hug Day
4-4, Int’l Free Hug Day
Ok, so I woke up this morning with a mission. I was going to hug for several hours. Random people on the street were going to be getting my hugs and sharing in the love and joy that is my existence for hours today.
I bought my poster board, made my sign, and headed to Boystown. And that is where the problem lay…
Now, being a nervous as hell drama queen, I made a PSA ON THE TRAIN about Hug Day, making sure people knew what was going on when they saw people hugging random strangers. It’s disconcerting, I admit, but I wasn’t going to let that stop me.
I held my sign out for the world to see as I walked to the corner of Addison and Halstead, right in front of the police station, and proceeded to announce my presence in my best Herald voice. That’s right, all those years as a Renaissance Herald, as well as vocal and theater experience, made useful to hug people. Broadcasting phrases like, “Int’l Free Hugs day! Free hugs for anyone and everyone!” “No hug will be denied!” “The hugs are free, but if not me, hug the people you love today!” Oh yeah, truth is stranger than fiction.
Anyway, I stood there from a little before noon to 4:10, laughing and smiling and joking, spreading love and joy one hug at a time. I even got a couple of the officers from the station behind me involved, which is awesome. That’s one of the two main reasons I picked that spot. Cops need love as much as anyone else. They have a HELL job. They are hated by just about everyone at one point or another, and that kind of stress needs to be let go now and then, even just a little, tugged free by a short little redhead bent on world-dominion ala “I love you, damn it!”
People were jumping out of cars, hanging out car windows reaching out for hugs. I had people on opposite corners from me hugging each other, which was so great! I passed a couple ‘air-hugs’ to people while laughing because it was silly and fun and beautiful.
But I know now why I was supposed to be there as opposed to Watertower Place where everyone else was. One man. It was about 2 hours in, and I turned, as I did often while waving my sign about, and saw his standing there. He was obviously upset, but he reached out for a hug. I gave him one, and he started weeping. Not enormous, ground-breaking tears, but he needed to connect, and there I was. The world fell away, and Int’l Free Hug Day was put on hold. This young man needed to go to that police station behind me for the same reason he was crying, and I was not about to let him ford that river alone. He explained what happened, and when he’d collected himself, I took him into the station. I emerged needing a hug myself, and I got one from a woman all too eager to share love with me as get it in return. It put me back on track to exchange my joy, and so I did. He emerged again, better but still hurting, so he got hug #2, and stayed near as things came to a close. Hug #3 capped it off, and though I never got his name, I know he was the reason I was supposed to be on that corner. I fulfilled the universe’s design for me that day. Can’t ask for more than that. And if he ever reads this, know that I will remember you always as a beautiful person that I want to see smile.
My hugs ended with aching legs and objecting shoulders, but I was high as a kite off the joy, so I decided to head to Give Peace a Dance for the first time. Awesomesauce, as Shivian would say. People I knew and people I didn’t, many of whom had Hugged as well, so we shared in that joy and some of those stories, ending our day together in companionship and community. What a day. What a glorious, beautiful, freakish, amazing day.
Ok, so I woke up this morning with a mission. I was going to hug for several hours. Random people on the street were going to be getting my hugs and sharing in the love and joy that is my existence for hours today.
I bought my poster board, made my sign, and headed to Boystown. And that is where the problem lay…
Now, being a nervous as hell drama queen, I made a PSA ON THE TRAIN about Hug Day, making sure people knew what was going on when they saw people hugging random strangers. It’s disconcerting, I admit, but I wasn’t going to let that stop me.
I held my sign out for the world to see as I walked to the corner of Addison and Halstead, right in front of the police station, and proceeded to announce my presence in my best Herald voice. That’s right, all those years as a Renaissance Herald, as well as vocal and theater experience, made useful to hug people. Broadcasting phrases like, “Int’l Free Hugs day! Free hugs for anyone and everyone!” “No hug will be denied!” “The hugs are free, but if not me, hug the people you love today!” Oh yeah, truth is stranger than fiction.
Anyway, I stood there from a little before noon to 4:10, laughing and smiling and joking, spreading love and joy one hug at a time. I even got a couple of the officers from the station behind me involved, which is awesome. That’s one of the two main reasons I picked that spot. Cops need love as much as anyone else. They have a HELL job. They are hated by just about everyone at one point or another, and that kind of stress needs to be let go now and then, even just a little, tugged free by a short little redhead bent on world-dominion ala “I love you, damn it!”
People were jumping out of cars, hanging out car windows reaching out for hugs. I had people on opposite corners from me hugging each other, which was so great! I passed a couple ‘air-hugs’ to people while laughing because it was silly and fun and beautiful.
But I know now why I was supposed to be there as opposed to Watertower Place where everyone else was. One man. It was about 2 hours in, and I turned, as I did often while waving my sign about, and saw his standing there. He was obviously upset, but he reached out for a hug. I gave him one, and he started weeping. Not enormous, ground-breaking tears, but he needed to connect, and there I was. The world fell away, and Int’l Free Hug Day was put on hold. This young man needed to go to that police station behind me for the same reason he was crying, and I was not about to let him ford that river alone. He explained what happened, and when he’d collected himself, I took him into the station. I emerged needing a hug myself, and I got one from a woman all too eager to share love with me as get it in return. It put me back on track to exchange my joy, and so I did. He emerged again, better but still hurting, so he got hug #2, and stayed near as things came to a close. Hug #3 capped it off, and though I never got his name, I know he was the reason I was supposed to be on that corner. I fulfilled the universe’s design for me that day. Can’t ask for more than that. And if he ever reads this, know that I will remember you always as a beautiful person that I want to see smile.
My hugs ended with aching legs and objecting shoulders, but I was high as a kite off the joy, so I decided to head to Give Peace a Dance for the first time. Awesomesauce, as Shivian would say. People I knew and people I didn’t, many of whom had Hugged as well, so we shared in that joy and some of those stories, ending our day together in companionship and community. What a day. What a glorious, beautiful, freakish, amazing day.
IOWA
4-3 – IOWA
My day started out like any other when someone was coming to invade. Today, it was again mandated by the landlord, which always SUCKS, so I was in a small tiff about everything, which is a failing of mine. I get worked up about crap mid-stride, only to look back and think, “What was I on about?” So I’d gotten done as much as I could, ie had time for, and turned on my computer…
BLISS. There, in black and white all over my RSS feeds, was the state of IOWA BEING AWESOME. And EQUAL. And beautiful. Seconds later Twitter knew. About a minute later Facebook knew, and both had links on how to find out more. Iowa had declared UNANIMOUSLY that the ban on gay marriage was unconstitutional. Talk about a slap to the face of the opposition. A state least likely to do anything that isn’t corn-fed or served on a Collectible Jesus platter said, ‘Nope, not here. Us and the gays? We’re good.’
Good as gold and better. You guys rock hardcore. Now, about California….
UPDATE: just found a fantastic video about Religious Freedom vs. Gay marriage, illustrating why the two are actually related in ways the Anti-Gay movement doesn't talk about, and why they don't talk about it. It's lovely. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A0dKMhYSX20
My day started out like any other when someone was coming to invade. Today, it was again mandated by the landlord, which always SUCKS, so I was in a small tiff about everything, which is a failing of mine. I get worked up about crap mid-stride, only to look back and think, “What was I on about?” So I’d gotten done as much as I could, ie had time for, and turned on my computer…
BLISS. There, in black and white all over my RSS feeds, was the state of IOWA BEING AWESOME. And EQUAL. And beautiful. Seconds later Twitter knew. About a minute later Facebook knew, and both had links on how to find out more. Iowa had declared UNANIMOUSLY that the ban on gay marriage was unconstitutional. Talk about a slap to the face of the opposition. A state least likely to do anything that isn’t corn-fed or served on a Collectible Jesus platter said, ‘Nope, not here. Us and the gays? We’re good.’
Good as gold and better. You guys rock hardcore. Now, about California….
UPDATE: just found a fantastic video about Religious Freedom vs. Gay marriage, illustrating why the two are actually related in ways the Anti-Gay movement doesn't talk about, and why they don't talk about it. It's lovely. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A0dKMhYSX20
Trip to Indy Highlight Reel
3-31 – Trip to Indy
Ok, so my trip to Indy just ended in a sunshine stroke of “you bet your ass.” Allow me to explain.
Me, Enterprise Rental, 7:30 am, 3/26. I pick up the car, opting for no insurance because funds really are that tight. They say the car has a ding, but we (the rental guy and I) can’t find it. We sign, I get the keys, and drive to work. I get nothing done. I’m far too excited. Work ends none too soon, and I hit the road with my lease, a series of burned CD’s, and a potted plant in tow. It’s a good time.
The trip takes both too long and surprisingly not long at all. I only go through one of my CD’s fully while drifting in the nebulous space of no decent radio stations between Chicago and Indianapolis. I get to Mom’s at 2, which is SICK, wake the dog thus waking the house, and crash out after the obligatory converse with Drew, my invalid stepfather. I haven’t killed him yet. Everyone should be VERY PROUD OF ME…..
Morning, 3/27, I grab Lexie, my sister the birthday girl, and we go have lunch with Mom. We’re late, which is my fault for being an idiot, but no matter. After lunch Lexie and I run errands before the party, heading to roll call to scare people with the ‘Lexie clone’ (me). Not many people there, but more on THAT later. We get booze and make 10 minute Guacamole that will make you weep with taste bud joy, and I manage not to get us killed TWICE on the road while driving through Indy (I swear that guy needs to be sidelined from humanity, to say nothing of the road), and we head out to Shelbyville for the party.
Amazing. Not a fan of using gasoline to start a bonfire, but then again, it took my hand to move the stick in place to get it going, so I guess the men need us little girl after all for their manly ways and means. What the fuck ever, these guys were sweethearts all around. A bunch of people I didn’t know, but worked with Lex, so they were righteously FREAKED when they had to look up see who was talking. Lex and I sound alike, look alike, speak in the same structure, so it’s always been difficult tell us apart without looking at us. I played the Japanese tourist with Lexie’s camera while she got brightly sloshed. She needed it, it was healthy. I stayed sober to keep watch and drive us home, both of which went off without a hitch. An amazing night under the stars, mapping the constellations with drunk people, and enjoying simple company without pretense. Made a couple new friends, too! Heidi… damn it all, she’s straight and married. Oh, well…
Morning, 3/28, I’m not lucid much, but we have cake and ice cream for breakfast. Lexie, Bert (her husband) and I took off to bookstores and things, just hanging out, then came back to Mom’s. I had wanted to see Michelle, but I was tired, so I opted for an evening with Mom. And the idiot man she married. I haven’t killed him yet. I’m proud. Aren’t you?
Morning, 3/29, and breakfast with Grandma. Note, I haven’t’ seen her in months, but she’s gone downhill. She’s getting thinner, and looking paler than normal. She seems to gain years as months go by. I don’t know that she’s long for this world. I also think she’s been here too long, but enough about her.
MY MOTHER IS A FREAK OF NATURE. I can’t believe I have this to look forward to in my Golden years. She uses colored toothpicks to make arms and feet for my cousin Josh’s sausage links at Denny’s every Sunday. EVERY SUNDAY. In public, and without remorse. While I admire her for that, JESUS, Mother…
But Sunday was relatively lazy, just me and Mom bumming around the house, making soup for dinner, and talking. Ti was so nice to just talk to her. I don’t get enough of that, I admit it, and when it happens, I try to savor it. Not that I’m planning on moving back for these talks, mind you, but I enjoy them, and I wish we had more of them. If we had more, would it mean as much? I honestly think it would…
Morning, 3/30, the day I go home. I head to Crown Hill Cemetery to visit my grandmother (my father’s mother, who died in 1989), and of course, I can’t find her. 3,000 stones in her section of the cemetery alone, and I can’t remember where she’s buried. I’m a bad grandkid. I’m going to find it, though, and make time to see her the next time I go, so help me. I drove to Broadripple for the hell of it…
And that’s when I realized I’d left my phone at Mom’s. Like a dumbass. So I drove back, managed to have very little further contact with Drew (he’s still alive. There’s pride here.), filled up my tank, and hit the road. I don’t remember much of the trip back, which is just as well, and I got back without much trouble. I missed having a car at my disposal before I had completed the walk home. SAD…
The 'you bet your ass' moment? The ding was found on the car, and they didn't charge me for it. Hotness.
So endith my trip play-by-play. Now that wasn’t so hard, was it?
NEW KITTENS!! News at 11…
Ok, so my trip to Indy just ended in a sunshine stroke of “you bet your ass.” Allow me to explain.
Me, Enterprise Rental, 7:30 am, 3/26. I pick up the car, opting for no insurance because funds really are that tight. They say the car has a ding, but we (the rental guy and I) can’t find it. We sign, I get the keys, and drive to work. I get nothing done. I’m far too excited. Work ends none too soon, and I hit the road with my lease, a series of burned CD’s, and a potted plant in tow. It’s a good time.
The trip takes both too long and surprisingly not long at all. I only go through one of my CD’s fully while drifting in the nebulous space of no decent radio stations between Chicago and Indianapolis. I get to Mom’s at 2, which is SICK, wake the dog thus waking the house, and crash out after the obligatory converse with Drew, my invalid stepfather. I haven’t killed him yet. Everyone should be VERY PROUD OF ME…..
Morning, 3/27, I grab Lexie, my sister the birthday girl, and we go have lunch with Mom. We’re late, which is my fault for being an idiot, but no matter. After lunch Lexie and I run errands before the party, heading to roll call to scare people with the ‘Lexie clone’ (me). Not many people there, but more on THAT later. We get booze and make 10 minute Guacamole that will make you weep with taste bud joy, and I manage not to get us killed TWICE on the road while driving through Indy (I swear that guy needs to be sidelined from humanity, to say nothing of the road), and we head out to Shelbyville for the party.
Amazing. Not a fan of using gasoline to start a bonfire, but then again, it took my hand to move the stick in place to get it going, so I guess the men need us little girl after all for their manly ways and means. What the fuck ever, these guys were sweethearts all around. A bunch of people I didn’t know, but worked with Lex, so they were righteously FREAKED when they had to look up see who was talking. Lex and I sound alike, look alike, speak in the same structure, so it’s always been difficult tell us apart without looking at us. I played the Japanese tourist with Lexie’s camera while she got brightly sloshed. She needed it, it was healthy. I stayed sober to keep watch and drive us home, both of which went off without a hitch. An amazing night under the stars, mapping the constellations with drunk people, and enjoying simple company without pretense. Made a couple new friends, too! Heidi… damn it all, she’s straight and married. Oh, well…
Morning, 3/28, I’m not lucid much, but we have cake and ice cream for breakfast. Lexie, Bert (her husband) and I took off to bookstores and things, just hanging out, then came back to Mom’s. I had wanted to see Michelle, but I was tired, so I opted for an evening with Mom. And the idiot man she married. I haven’t killed him yet. I’m proud. Aren’t you?
Morning, 3/29, and breakfast with Grandma. Note, I haven’t’ seen her in months, but she’s gone downhill. She’s getting thinner, and looking paler than normal. She seems to gain years as months go by. I don’t know that she’s long for this world. I also think she’s been here too long, but enough about her.
MY MOTHER IS A FREAK OF NATURE. I can’t believe I have this to look forward to in my Golden years. She uses colored toothpicks to make arms and feet for my cousin Josh’s sausage links at Denny’s every Sunday. EVERY SUNDAY. In public, and without remorse. While I admire her for that, JESUS, Mother…
But Sunday was relatively lazy, just me and Mom bumming around the house, making soup for dinner, and talking. Ti was so nice to just talk to her. I don’t get enough of that, I admit it, and when it happens, I try to savor it. Not that I’m planning on moving back for these talks, mind you, but I enjoy them, and I wish we had more of them. If we had more, would it mean as much? I honestly think it would…
Morning, 3/30, the day I go home. I head to Crown Hill Cemetery to visit my grandmother (my father’s mother, who died in 1989), and of course, I can’t find her. 3,000 stones in her section of the cemetery alone, and I can’t remember where she’s buried. I’m a bad grandkid. I’m going to find it, though, and make time to see her the next time I go, so help me. I drove to Broadripple for the hell of it…
And that’s when I realized I’d left my phone at Mom’s. Like a dumbass. So I drove back, managed to have very little further contact with Drew (he’s still alive. There’s pride here.), filled up my tank, and hit the road. I don’t remember much of the trip back, which is just as well, and I got back without much trouble. I missed having a car at my disposal before I had completed the walk home. SAD…
The 'you bet your ass' moment? The ding was found on the car, and they didn't charge me for it. Hotness.
So endith my trip play-by-play. Now that wasn’t so hard, was it?
NEW KITTENS!! News at 11…
The New Place
3/18, the new place
I found it. I t took 2 hours and five flops, but I found it. I found my new apartment!!!!
Close to the old place, so that means I’m close to the lake, which is NECESSARY, I’m literally down the street from the grocery store, I’m close to the train, which is amazing, and I’m still close to the Synphorium, which is good because it means less walking time at 3 am. And people can crash as needed.
And it’s BIG. Big enough for me and my crap without stifling me, and small enough not to lose the two new kittens I hope to acquire in the coming weeks. Rooms are good sizes, I know what colors I want to paint for the most part (which means I need to go back and look to make sure) and I know where the bookshelves that need to be built are going!
What really gets me is the natural light. I saw this place close to mid-day on a sunny day, and this place was lit up. Almost every space was saturated in light, and it felt warm. The wood floors glowed with it, the white walls seemed sterile but malleable, and the place just sang. Even the guy from Chicago Apartment Finders walked in and said, “Whoa.’ Whoa, indeed.
I found it. I t took 2 hours and five flops, but I found it. I found my new apartment!!!!
Close to the old place, so that means I’m close to the lake, which is NECESSARY, I’m literally down the street from the grocery store, I’m close to the train, which is amazing, and I’m still close to the Synphorium, which is good because it means less walking time at 3 am. And people can crash as needed.
And it’s BIG. Big enough for me and my crap without stifling me, and small enough not to lose the two new kittens I hope to acquire in the coming weeks. Rooms are good sizes, I know what colors I want to paint for the most part (which means I need to go back and look to make sure) and I know where the bookshelves that need to be built are going!
What really gets me is the natural light. I saw this place close to mid-day on a sunny day, and this place was lit up. Almost every space was saturated in light, and it felt warm. The wood floors glowed with it, the white walls seemed sterile but malleable, and the place just sang. Even the guy from Chicago Apartment Finders walked in and said, “Whoa.’ Whoa, indeed.
Ketchup, blog style.
Ok, everyone, it's time to play that insane brain-dump of a game called "Blog Ketchup."
The Rules:
#1: You can't play the same way twice. No, wait, wrong game. Let's start again...
1. All posts must be posted at the same time.
2. All posts must be dated with the appropriate date of the thought so people can follow.
3. Posts must be in order date so as not to confuse people by going backwards or out of order or some such hysteria. though hysteria is allowed as mood permits.
Strap in, folks, its a short but brutal ride.....
The Rules:
#1: You can't play the same way twice. No, wait, wrong game. Let's start again...
1. All posts must be posted at the same time.
2. All posts must be dated with the appropriate date of the thought so people can follow.
3. Posts must be in order date so as not to confuse people by going backwards or out of order or some such hysteria. though hysteria is allowed as mood permits.
Strap in, folks, its a short but brutal ride.....
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Shattering Dawn
Ok, I admit I wasn’t sure what to expect in this situation. We all admitted that we felt disconnected from each other, i.e. Theo and George felt disconnected from me, but as the weight of reality has lifted slightly, the cockroaches of intention have started scurrying into the light.
It strikes me as odd, and by odd I mean hurtful, when I ask one of my soon to be ex-roommates how they are, or how their day was, I get monosyllabic answers and abrupt cut offs to conversation, yet when they ask these questions of each other, in front of me, they turn to one another and actively converse. Or worse, shut themselves away in another room where I’m just within earshot of their laughter as they dish to one another what they obviously think I’m not worthy of hearing. And I was labeled the secretive one of the group?
For months now, I have gotten looks in response to simple questions that said to me, ‘Why are you even talking to me?’ I thought it might be stress or fatigue, so I let it go, giving space where I thought it was needed because I respected that need for privacy. Now I realize that dismissal was willful, and I was being pushed away.
I guess I was expecting a little more class from this particular pair of elitists, but with the attitude comes the snobbery. I’ve felt for some time that I was being ‘granted’ attention grudgingly, but this is just uncivil. Uncivil, hurtful, and rude.
Perhaps it is because I came into my own more and became something they didn’t necessary feel connected to. Perhaps I simply became more difficult to lead. There have been moments in recent past when I stood my ground against one of my roommates when they were trying to lead me down the path to what they wanted, and it annoyed them greatly. Who was ‘right’ made no difference. The fact that they would stoop to trying to wave eloquence in my face to blind me from my own good sense is ridiculous and insulting.
A perfect example would be the naming of Circle and Staff. Theo and George had the discussion of the name of the group we had intended to start together within the Pagan community. Something queer welcoming, pagan/environmentally focused, and community present. This discussion was had while I was not present, then all but bullied me into agreeing when I walked in. Mind you, I like the name. I have no problem with it, but I had no say. I was put on the spot to come up with something else, having no warning that such a discussion was going to be had so of course I had nothing, and so the decision was made. To top it off, the domain names for the group had already been purchased before I was even asked!
Another most profound moment of this was our discussion to part company less than a fortnight ago. They both kept using the word ‘organisism' to express how they felt our mental separation had progressed. Forgive me, but I firmly believe that one of the lesser reasons these two believe in organisism is not because it is the allowance of natural process in a situation, allowing for the difference factors to germinate and mix as they are going to. No, for these two, it is simple sloth. They are both admittedly lazy, and I am not under most circumstances. This has caused us to knock heads more than once, from travel arrangements to extermination needs (see: bedbugs) to simple household chores. I don't care that things don't get done my way. I care that things don't get done at all. It is one of the things I won’t miss, but it is also one of the biggest reason I am so hurt.
In essence, it feels like my presence is either being ignored, or seen as little more than a necessary annoyance until we move. I feel like my voice holds no sway, and hasn’t for a long time. And the worst part of this whole thing is that I still care for these two so much. I want nothing but the best for them, and I get treated little better than dirt for walking into a room. I realize that we have our differences, but I haven't seen this kind of behavior out of the two of them since Josiah (see entry about former roommate's face exploding, one of the first two in the blog) was here. Is that how I'm seen now? A blight to be excised?
I was hoping this would not end up being a cat fight between the two of them and myself, but I cannot remain silent about this kind of dismissal any longer. I didn’t spend the last year being the responsible, forgiving, understanding one to be tossed aside like a used condom.
It strikes me as odd, and by odd I mean hurtful, when I ask one of my soon to be ex-roommates how they are, or how their day was, I get monosyllabic answers and abrupt cut offs to conversation, yet when they ask these questions of each other, in front of me, they turn to one another and actively converse. Or worse, shut themselves away in another room where I’m just within earshot of their laughter as they dish to one another what they obviously think I’m not worthy of hearing. And I was labeled the secretive one of the group?
For months now, I have gotten looks in response to simple questions that said to me, ‘Why are you even talking to me?’ I thought it might be stress or fatigue, so I let it go, giving space where I thought it was needed because I respected that need for privacy. Now I realize that dismissal was willful, and I was being pushed away.
I guess I was expecting a little more class from this particular pair of elitists, but with the attitude comes the snobbery. I’ve felt for some time that I was being ‘granted’ attention grudgingly, but this is just uncivil. Uncivil, hurtful, and rude.
Perhaps it is because I came into my own more and became something they didn’t necessary feel connected to. Perhaps I simply became more difficult to lead. There have been moments in recent past when I stood my ground against one of my roommates when they were trying to lead me down the path to what they wanted, and it annoyed them greatly. Who was ‘right’ made no difference. The fact that they would stoop to trying to wave eloquence in my face to blind me from my own good sense is ridiculous and insulting.
A perfect example would be the naming of Circle and Staff. Theo and George had the discussion of the name of the group we had intended to start together within the Pagan community. Something queer welcoming, pagan/environmentally focused, and community present. This discussion was had while I was not present, then all but bullied me into agreeing when I walked in. Mind you, I like the name. I have no problem with it, but I had no say. I was put on the spot to come up with something else, having no warning that such a discussion was going to be had so of course I had nothing, and so the decision was made. To top it off, the domain names for the group had already been purchased before I was even asked!
Another most profound moment of this was our discussion to part company less than a fortnight ago. They both kept using the word ‘organisism' to express how they felt our mental separation had progressed. Forgive me, but I firmly believe that one of the lesser reasons these two believe in organisism is not because it is the allowance of natural process in a situation, allowing for the difference factors to germinate and mix as they are going to. No, for these two, it is simple sloth. They are both admittedly lazy, and I am not under most circumstances. This has caused us to knock heads more than once, from travel arrangements to extermination needs (see: bedbugs) to simple household chores. I don't care that things don't get done my way. I care that things don't get done at all. It is one of the things I won’t miss, but it is also one of the biggest reason I am so hurt.
In essence, it feels like my presence is either being ignored, or seen as little more than a necessary annoyance until we move. I feel like my voice holds no sway, and hasn’t for a long time. And the worst part of this whole thing is that I still care for these two so much. I want nothing but the best for them, and I get treated little better than dirt for walking into a room. I realize that we have our differences, but I haven't seen this kind of behavior out of the two of them since Josiah (see entry about former roommate's face exploding, one of the first two in the blog) was here. Is that how I'm seen now? A blight to be excised?
I was hoping this would not end up being a cat fight between the two of them and myself, but I cannot remain silent about this kind of dismissal any longer. I didn’t spend the last year being the responsible, forgiving, understanding one to be tossed aside like a used condom.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
The more things change...
So, it’s been a week since it all came to be. Theo, George and I will no longer be living together. Sigh.
I have to admit, I’ve known this was going to happen for a while now. Since November, in fact. I just didn’t know exactly when it would be manifest, but indeed it has. I’m at peace with it for the most part. And part of me is really looking forward to the change. I will miss living with Theo and George, but I have never lived alone before. It’s something I really need to do, as an adult as much as for myself. I believe it is something everyone should do at least once in their life so they can truly understand what the life is like.
I think the only hitch in this whole thing is something trivial that really should have been left unsaid in my opinion. Theo mentioned he was considering moving in with George for financial reasons, i.e. being able to get a bigger place than he would alone and being able to save. He was, however, concerned because such an idea might be taken badly by me, the only roommate then who would be on their own, to say nothing of outside onlookers. That’s all well and good, but the truth of it all is that there is no good way to take something like that. If that is their decision, so be it. I have no control over their actions. But is it me, or is there simply no way to look at that and not think ill of this parting?
I support them in all that they do. I love them both, and honestly, living alone is something I want. But to voice something like that, let alone doing it, is not going to be seen well, no matter the intent. It’s bad enough that I had the distinct impression during the main discussion we had about our parting that Theo and George had already come to this decision together and were simply trying to gently lead me to the same conclusion. I've seen them do it before, I wouldn’t put it past them. And honestly, I’d be offended by it if I hadn’t already had an inkling that this was the correct move.
Perhaps I’m over thinking things, but circumstances here cannot be denied. All I can do now is be of whatever aid I can to the two men in my life who mean a thing to me truly, and make this transition as smooth as possible. And in the end, that's what matters most above all the other mess. I love these guys, and if they decide to move in together, it makes it easier to partition junk and get things packed. It is what it is.
I GET A KITTY OF MY VERY OWN!!
I have to admit, I’ve known this was going to happen for a while now. Since November, in fact. I just didn’t know exactly when it would be manifest, but indeed it has. I’m at peace with it for the most part. And part of me is really looking forward to the change. I will miss living with Theo and George, but I have never lived alone before. It’s something I really need to do, as an adult as much as for myself. I believe it is something everyone should do at least once in their life so they can truly understand what the life is like.
I think the only hitch in this whole thing is something trivial that really should have been left unsaid in my opinion. Theo mentioned he was considering moving in with George for financial reasons, i.e. being able to get a bigger place than he would alone and being able to save. He was, however, concerned because such an idea might be taken badly by me, the only roommate then who would be on their own, to say nothing of outside onlookers. That’s all well and good, but the truth of it all is that there is no good way to take something like that. If that is their decision, so be it. I have no control over their actions. But is it me, or is there simply no way to look at that and not think ill of this parting?
I support them in all that they do. I love them both, and honestly, living alone is something I want. But to voice something like that, let alone doing it, is not going to be seen well, no matter the intent. It’s bad enough that I had the distinct impression during the main discussion we had about our parting that Theo and George had already come to this decision together and were simply trying to gently lead me to the same conclusion. I've seen them do it before, I wouldn’t put it past them. And honestly, I’d be offended by it if I hadn’t already had an inkling that this was the correct move.
Perhaps I’m over thinking things, but circumstances here cannot be denied. All I can do now is be of whatever aid I can to the two men in my life who mean a thing to me truly, and make this transition as smooth as possible. And in the end, that's what matters most above all the other mess. I love these guys, and if they decide to move in together, it makes it easier to partition junk and get things packed. It is what it is.
I GET A KITTY OF MY VERY OWN!!
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Wringing out what’s left of my brain
So, something is squeezing my skull. It’s called Sheer Force of Will, and I’m currently utilizing it to wring as much functionality out of my head as possible. Considering how little there was to begin with, it’s an undertaking.
Recap: Isis. Of all the Goddesses to research and do anything meaningful on, I had to be picked by one of the heaviest hitters out there. Worse yet, I have a month. ONE MONTH to get this whole thing off the ground. Makes me want to pee in fear a little bit. Brain usage: 30%.
Job: Going well, all things considered. We’re all performing at levels no one likes but can’t be helped thanks to the wonders of economic leavings. I still want out of here as badly as one can, but I’m good until June, so that makes me happy. Money isn’t as tight as it could be, so all is really pretty well in this arena. I just work ungodly hours, sleep poorly, and never see the two men in my life who mean a thing to me, George and Theo. Brain usage: 20%
Study, professional: Ah, Access. How you torment me. I’ve had this discussion with Theo already, but I am NOT a big fan of the new Office ’07 layout for Access. Part of its really great, other parts of it SUCK BIG HAIRY DONKEY BALLS. Maybe it’s me. Maybe because I wasn’t used to the old layout I don’t’ appreciate the new layout for what it was meant for. I appreciate and accept that. Doesn’t make trying to learn it any easier. Brain usage: 20%
Study, personal: Going SWIMMINGLY!! I am learning so much, and branching off, and doing weird new stuff, very, very exciting!! I have Theo to thank for that on a side note, having kicked me so I face the direction I couldn’t see because there was the big gaping SIGN in my way. But whatever, yea for learning! I can’t wait for the weather to be well enough (and the ground to be dry enough) for a Montrose beach romp. I get to practice! So happy! I’m also doing two things right now I’ve never done before, and they’re ongoing and require almost constant attention, one of hoodoo origin, the other not, so trying to keep that focused has been a labor in the jumble. Brain usage: 30%.
Love life: WHAT love life? Brain usage: 5%, out of want.
Writing: It just…won’t…stop…coming… For some reason, the stories have been SPILLING out of my head. Just GUSHING. Bits and pieces and parts, all jumbled together in this enormous spaghetti wheel noise of musings and muses all vying for attention. And of course, I’m cannibalizing old stories that will NEVER be finished to put in newer stories that have the potential to get done and published. I’m now glad I never deleted this stuff, because there are pieces that surprisingly don’t suck, and work well in completely different context, different characters, even different times. Brain usage: 25%.
So, that brings us to 130% of brain capacity currently being used, not including the french fried sections. Please excuse me while I tighten the clamp…ow…
Recap: Isis. Of all the Goddesses to research and do anything meaningful on, I had to be picked by one of the heaviest hitters out there. Worse yet, I have a month. ONE MONTH to get this whole thing off the ground. Makes me want to pee in fear a little bit. Brain usage: 30%.
Job: Going well, all things considered. We’re all performing at levels no one likes but can’t be helped thanks to the wonders of economic leavings. I still want out of here as badly as one can, but I’m good until June, so that makes me happy. Money isn’t as tight as it could be, so all is really pretty well in this arena. I just work ungodly hours, sleep poorly, and never see the two men in my life who mean a thing to me, George and Theo. Brain usage: 20%
Study, professional: Ah, Access. How you torment me. I’ve had this discussion with Theo already, but I am NOT a big fan of the new Office ’07 layout for Access. Part of its really great, other parts of it SUCK BIG HAIRY DONKEY BALLS. Maybe it’s me. Maybe because I wasn’t used to the old layout I don’t’ appreciate the new layout for what it was meant for. I appreciate and accept that. Doesn’t make trying to learn it any easier. Brain usage: 20%
Study, personal: Going SWIMMINGLY!! I am learning so much, and branching off, and doing weird new stuff, very, very exciting!! I have Theo to thank for that on a side note, having kicked me so I face the direction I couldn’t see because there was the big gaping SIGN in my way. But whatever, yea for learning! I can’t wait for the weather to be well enough (and the ground to be dry enough) for a Montrose beach romp. I get to practice! So happy! I’m also doing two things right now I’ve never done before, and they’re ongoing and require almost constant attention, one of hoodoo origin, the other not, so trying to keep that focused has been a labor in the jumble. Brain usage: 30%.
Love life: WHAT love life? Brain usage: 5%, out of want.
Writing: It just…won’t…stop…coming… For some reason, the stories have been SPILLING out of my head. Just GUSHING. Bits and pieces and parts, all jumbled together in this enormous spaghetti wheel noise of musings and muses all vying for attention. And of course, I’m cannibalizing old stories that will NEVER be finished to put in newer stories that have the potential to get done and published. I’m now glad I never deleted this stuff, because there are pieces that surprisingly don’t suck, and work well in completely different context, different characters, even different times. Brain usage: 25%.
So, that brings us to 130% of brain capacity currently being used, not including the french fried sections. Please excuse me while I tighten the clamp…ow…
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