Shattering Dawn

Ok, I admit I wasn’t sure what to expect in this situation. We all admitted that we felt disconnected from each other, i.e. Theo and George felt disconnected from me, but as the weight of reality has lifted slightly, the cockroaches of intention have started scurrying into the light.

It strikes me as odd, and by odd I mean hurtful, when I ask one of my soon to be ex-roommates how they are, or how their day was, I get monosyllabic answers and abrupt cut offs to conversation, yet when they ask these questions of each other, in front of me, they turn to one another and actively converse. Or worse, shut themselves away in another room where I’m just within earshot of their laughter as they dish to one another what they obviously think I’m not worthy of hearing. And I was labeled the secretive one of the group?

For months now, I have gotten looks in response to simple questions that said to me, ‘Why are you even talking to me?’ I thought it might be stress or fatigue, so I let it go, giving space where I thought it was needed because I respected that need for privacy. Now I realize that dismissal was willful, and I was being pushed away.

I guess I was expecting a little more class from this particular pair of elitists, but with the attitude comes the snobbery. I’ve felt for some time that I was being ‘granted’ attention grudgingly, but this is just uncivil. Uncivil, hurtful, and rude.

Perhaps it is because I came into my own more and became something they didn’t necessary feel connected to. Perhaps I simply became more difficult to lead. There have been moments in recent past when I stood my ground against one of my roommates when they were trying to lead me down the path to what they wanted, and it annoyed them greatly. Who was ‘right’ made no difference. The fact that they would stoop to trying to wave eloquence in my face to blind me from my own good sense is ridiculous and insulting.

A perfect example would be the naming of Circle and Staff. Theo and George had the discussion of the name of the group we had intended to start together within the Pagan community. Something queer welcoming, pagan/environmentally focused, and community present. This discussion was had while I was not present, then all but bullied me into agreeing when I walked in. Mind you, I like the name. I have no problem with it, but I had no say. I was put on the spot to come up with something else, having no warning that such a discussion was going to be had so of course I had nothing, and so the decision was made. To top it off, the domain names for the group had already been purchased before I was even asked!

Another most profound moment of this was our discussion to part company less than a fortnight ago. They both kept using the word ‘organisism' to express how they felt our mental separation had progressed. Forgive me, but I firmly believe that one of the lesser reasons these two believe in organisism is not because it is the allowance of natural process in a situation, allowing for the difference factors to germinate and mix as they are going to. No, for these two, it is simple sloth. They are both admittedly lazy, and I am not under most circumstances. This has caused us to knock heads more than once, from travel arrangements to extermination needs (see: bedbugs) to simple household chores. I don't care that things don't get done my way. I care that things don't get done at all. It is one of the things I won’t miss, but it is also one of the biggest reason I am so hurt.

In essence, it feels like my presence is either being ignored, or seen as little more than a necessary annoyance until we move. I feel like my voice holds no sway, and hasn’t for a long time. And the worst part of this whole thing is that I still care for these two so much. I want nothing but the best for them, and I get treated little better than dirt for walking into a room. I realize that we have our differences, but I haven't seen this kind of behavior out of the two of them since Josiah (see entry about former roommate's face exploding, one of the first two in the blog) was here. Is that how I'm seen now? A blight to be excised?

I was hoping this would not end up being a cat fight between the two of them and myself, but I cannot remain silent about this kind of dismissal any longer. I didn’t spend the last year being the responsible, forgiving, understanding one to be tossed aside like a used condom.

The more things change...

So, it’s been a week since it all came to be. Theo, George and I will no longer be living together. Sigh.

I have to admit, I’ve known this was going to happen for a while now. Since November, in fact. I just didn’t know exactly when it would be manifest, but indeed it has. I’m at peace with it for the most part. And part of me is really looking forward to the change. I will miss living with Theo and George, but I have never lived alone before. It’s something I really need to do, as an adult as much as for myself. I believe it is something everyone should do at least once in their life so they can truly understand what the life is like.

I think the only hitch in this whole thing is something trivial that really should have been left unsaid in my opinion. Theo mentioned he was considering moving in with George for financial reasons, i.e. being able to get a bigger place than he would alone and being able to save. He was, however, concerned because such an idea might be taken badly by me, the only roommate then who would be on their own, to say nothing of outside onlookers. That’s all well and good, but the truth of it all is that there is no good way to take something like that. If that is their decision, so be it. I have no control over their actions. But is it me, or is there simply no way to look at that and not think ill of this parting?

I support them in all that they do. I love them both, and honestly, living alone is something I want. But to voice something like that, let alone doing it, is not going to be seen well, no matter the intent. It’s bad enough that I had the distinct impression during the main discussion we had about our parting that Theo and George had already come to this decision together and were simply trying to gently lead me to the same conclusion. I've seen them do it before, I wouldn’t put it past them. And honestly, I’d be offended by it if I hadn’t already had an inkling that this was the correct move.

Perhaps I’m over thinking things, but circumstances here cannot be denied. All I can do now is be of whatever aid I can to the two men in my life who mean a thing to me truly, and make this transition as smooth as possible. And in the end, that's what matters most above all the other mess. I love these guys, and if they decide to move in together, it makes it easier to partition junk and get things packed. It is what it is.

I GET A KITTY OF MY VERY OWN!!