The Leaving

And so begins another adventure. Balance is a thing of perspective, yet as perspective evolves, balance must be maintained. Or tipped entirely on its ear, one of the two.

So, regardless of practically untenable (and thankfully soon to be EXITING) roommates, I’ve managed to get settled. It took me almost a year, and the roommates didn’t help at all, but I’ve managed at last to settle in to what has become my own piece of life. And yet I’m antsy. Expectant. Wanting. As usual, the Leaving is creeping in again.

Catherine Valente actually articulated this better than I could ever hope to in her book, In The Night Garden. She spoke of a sensation unignorable, a calling of sea and adventure and movement, called the Leaving. It has followed me most of my adult life, this need to go, to see, to find, to move about. It took me across state lines, into the arms of various lovers, and yet always my eyes on the horizon, westward, wanting. And this is the first time in my life I’ve ever truly want to drop kick the Leaving. I don’t want to go.

I know where I would go, which doesn’t make this any easier. I’m visiting there next month, seeing friends and brothers and sisters, comrades in trickster mischief, set in the Pacific Northwest, 4 hours by plane away from everything I have built and know and love. And yet how much I would be leaving behind if I DON’T go. I’m leaving something behind either way, visiting instead of living. Yet which family do I cherish, and which do I allow to fly free? Part of me has made the choice, brushing aside illogical, irrelevant fancy, giving way to tenable joy, to tangible existence. And yet the Leaving hungers. It longs for the road, longs for the freedom of complete autonomy.

And this is where my being wants to say fuck it and go on tour. I’ve been considering putting an ad in Craig’s List for quite a while, something to the tune of, “Singer Seeking Songwriter.” My music has always been such an integral part of my life, and yet I don’t give it enough attention. I realized that at Capricon just 2 weekends ago, singing on stage with Eric Coleman. It made me realize how much I want this, to be able to share this gift, to let it warm the hearts of those around me, their smiles and laughter warming mine.

It’s a long way to find out who we are. The Waiting sucks.